My new house, which here on in will be called Tigh na Mara, which is Gaelic for House by The Sea so my learned correspondents state, is full of really cool electronic 21st Century schizoid equipment. Let’s have a look at my toilet. Its shape is non-remarkable and its color is white, however it is distinguished by not having a flush handle, a chain, a pedal and anything to make water comes scooting in to evacuate the er waste. It is very smooth, rounded and has no obvious water tank. There is a tiny green light glowing on its  top.

Crapper

I am your obedient servant

The seat is heated, which I find soppy after a youth of freezing toilet seats and a societal structure  constructed around the core concept that once you became a Prefect you could order a younger boy to warm up your toilet seat for you.

There is a control panel on the wall.

I have a 2 day relationship with this thing and now understand it better.  At first I just stabbed the control panel and hoped.

15 buttons

I now have 4 buttons completely under control and 11 to discover. The top two are the flush buttons – one short, one long. The centre and right buttons in the middle row spray water at your fundament with some subtle difference that I have not yet figured out. It is such fun. However I am still a beginner and I know that there is a wide spectrum of finesse of pleasure ahead of me.