I went to buy an electric bike the other day because a colleague, who is an Iron Man champion, swears buy it. He says, “why sweat the hills? Just kick in the electric bit and all your pedaling is equalized.” This is a good pitch and I go for it. When I get to the store I say ” I want one of those please.” The salesperson says, ” Man, you gotta be putting me on. You all is so fat that Bill Gates couldn’t afford to pay for your liposuction.” ” Man these here bicycles are designed for thin Japanese dudes, you all is an elephant, a sperm whale, this little bike is gonna buckle and break under your weight as soon as you put y’all’s lardass on that saddle.”
I have to say that I had noticed that I waddle rather than walk, that I have chaffing marks on my inner thighs, that I have not seen my genitalia when standing up for some time. Children also follow me in the street chanting, “You all been on a seafood diet; whenever you saw food, you ate it.”
These are all well-known symptoms of fatness.
So I drag out the scales, which I have not consulted for some months because I live in Japan where people eat healthily and you lose weight.
This is probably heavier than I have ever been.
OK I have spent a large portion of my life trying to discover the Higgs boson which explains the mystery of mass. It has been discovered so there is no longer a mystery ergo I can shed these unwanted kilos.
I start by cycling to work. Not on cool electric bike for which I am too massive, but on good ol’ Big Red.
I eat only fish and meat, which is what I want to eat anyway.
I drink no alcohol. This is tough.
I am in competition with esteemed Julia to see who can lose the most weight in the next month.
I will post the result.