Old, Deaf, Fat and Blind

Not having felt well for some time I go for a major health check at the Adventist Medical Center. It starts off bizarrely. On the drive down I am listening to a ‘This American Life’ podcast. I put my IPhone in my pocket and approach the reception desk. Strangely the hospital radio is playing exactly  the same show. I do not find this very odd as this is a kinda American hospital. Anyway I do all the entry stuff with staff looking at me strangely. I go to the toilet to spirit up a urine sample and am amazed by the quality of the radio system even in there. Changing into my operation clothes I realize my IPhone has been playing all this time. Why did I not figure this out?  Maybe the check up will find the answer.

I have a million checks and balances. Out of the blue, a nurse asks me if I want it through the nose or the mouth. It appears I have signed up for a gastroendoscopy – news to me. http://www.webmd.com/digestive-disorders/upper-gastrointestinal-endoscopy#1 This is the same as a colonoscopy, which is my hobby, but this is top down.

I say ‘Nose, onegaishmasu’. Everyone shouts Hai!! and starts spraying anaesthetic down my nostrils.


Snort this

Anyway, they start forcing a huge camera  down my nose but, because of their training, they notice that I am sobbing. They stick it down my throat instead. It is a bit weird, however having already done most things in my life, a new experience is always a blast. The doctor pushes the tube up and down my throat like someone cleaning a rifle barrel. As with the colonoscopy I can watch this in real time on a 5G screen.

It is amazing !  How many of you have seen your duodenum in high definition?  They slice of a bit of stuff with a Swiss Army Knife just for the hell of it.


Ghost train



After 4 hours of checks the doctor tells me that I am old, fat, blind and deaf and that I should eat less, drink less and do more exercise – the usual. I ask him about the IPhone problem but this seems to unsettle him.

I then got a lunch as part of the deal.


I know where you’re going.

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4 Responses to Old, Deaf, Fat and Blind

  1. Peter fisher says:

    Are coming to AAAs?

  2. James says:

    stay fit dad, more running less gravy!

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